Father's Day

written Father's Day 6-15-08

I had a blog almost completed this morning and have now gone back and deleted it entirely. I was in a solemn mood thinking about several 'fathers' in my life. There was such a range of feelings I wasn't quite sure where to go with it when I started typing.

The relationship I have with my father really started in my 30s. I won't explain why I did not feel close to him until then, but I can tell you a few of the things that changed. I started realizing that the expectations of his that I had not fulfilled were not nearly as important as what I had accomplished, what I valued and the person that I had become. As my confidence grew, the invisible wall that had manifested between us came down brick by brick. I was able to feel the love that he had for me and let him into heart and my life. At the same time I became more comfortable holding him and telling him that I loved him.
Days like today are extremely important to him. He had with him his wife, his 3 daughters, his son-in-laws, his grandson and grandaughters. There is seldom a holiday where our family is so complete. I know today meant the world to him.

My mother is in the process of divorcing my stepfather after 26 years of marriage. I love my stepfather, but for some reason I stop short contacting him now.
I have not been in touch with him since we moved my mother and most of her things from the house. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of reaching out to him. I'm sure he knew that my mother was unhappy, but I also know that he is very naive in a lot of ways and that he didn't understand she would really leave him. I have purchased a card to send him in the next day or so to let him know that I'm thinking of him and that I'm hoping he's ok, but I think Father's Day will come and go without me calling him. I am hoping that does not make me an awful person, but I have to do (or not do) what my heart tells me.

I am also thinking of my ex-husband today. Over the past 13 years that I've know him he has seldom had what I thought was a healthy relationship with his daughter. Her values are very distorted due the atmosphere she grew up in. I don't know that until she married and had a child of her own that she ever experienced a sense of stability in her life. My ex-husband is an alcoholic who leaves everyone behind (including his daughter) when he drinks, and when he is sober is still battling demons that keep him from being close to those who love him. He will be 6 months sober in 4 days. In the back of my mind I still have to hope that somehow given time that father/daughter relationship will be repaired once again. They seemed to be very good for each other when their relationship was stronger.
I have recently, gently told my ex-husband that I thought it was time he stop contacting me and that we separate our lives. His emails draw me into a life that it's best I leave behind. There was a lot of good in that life, but the anger, pain and the devastating way it ended would be best put in a box of memories and laid to rest. I do, as always, wish him well. I think he knows that.

Also in my thoughts today is the new man in my life. He is the father of 2 young boys who at times test his patience, as all children tend to do with their parents, but bring indescribable joy to his life. He coaches, sympathizes, teaches, understands, disciplines, comforts and loves in a gentle manner that continues to move me. I have heard him be firm as well, but the sound of love still resonates in his voice. I am still in many ways looking from the outside in....but I see and hear a man who has learned from his own life's lessons and I don't think his sons will ever question the love he holds in his heart for them.

Father's Day now comes to a close. It has been a day of reflection for me, but it has been a good day.